


Love Is Gone.

by UpsideDownForever



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Boys In Love, Break Up, Canon-Typical Violence, Depressed Spencer Reid, Dorks in Love, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt Spencer Reid, Idiots in Love, Mental Breakdown, No Beta, One of My Favorites, Piano, Post-Break Up, Protective BAU Team (Criminal Minds), Romance, Sad Spencer Reid, Secret Relationship, Song Lyrics, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Being an Idiot, Spencer Reid Fluff, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, love is gone, no beta we die like men, spencer being spencer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:28:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29322453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpsideDownForever/pseuds/UpsideDownForever
Summary: After your secret break up with Spencer, you aim to get your feeling out away from our team but that doesn't always work out how you planned...Song fic based on SLANDER - Love Is Gone ft. Dylan Matthew (Acoustic).
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Kudos: 45





	Love Is Gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I am not good at this so here we go...
> 
> Italics are flashbacks 
> 
> Bold are song lyrics

“YLN you in?” My head whipped round, snapping out of the haze that seemed to continuously cloud my mind whenever we didn’t have a case these days to face the one and only Derek Morgan. I hadn’t even known he was talking to me and I must have looked as confused as I felt because Derek laughed and repeated his question.

“Where do you go in that pretty head of your little mama? Penelope wants to go to a new bar downtown, you in?” Oh Derek, you don’t want to know the thoughts in my head these days. Before I could even open my mouth to reply, Emily Prentiss walked over and joined Derek by my desk, as if she had already sensed my upcoming rejection of the offer.

“Come on YN, the whole teams coming tonight, Will’s got the kids so JJ is coming; Rossi convinced Hotch to come; even boy genius is tagging along!” She recited the list and I had to school my face into neutrality, oh I know she meant that last one to be encouraging but it had almost instantaneously had the reverse effect on me. 

My eyes flicker over to the man in question, he was talking animatedly to Rossi who for once looked engrossed in the conversation. The familiar ache ricocheted through me and I had to look away before they look closer and notice. It wasn’t the teams fault and I hated hiding from them, but they didn’t know about mine and Spencer’s relationship. We had kept it a secret for just over a year, one blissful, perfect year. Until it had all fallen apart 4 months ago.

_This case had shaken me the core, I don’t know why but I can’t shake the screams of the Caysey family after I had failed to save their daughter Zoe from the unsub. Everything had pointed to the father’s brother Zach, he fit the profile perfectly and when I entered the house he was there with Zoe and his wife. I managed to get in between them, pointing the wife to take Zoe out the back to safety. It was only when I heard screams outside that I had discovered the wife Dani standing over Zoe holding a bloody rock in which she had used to beat her over and over. Zoe had died later that night from her injuries at the hospital._

_Spencer had decided to stay at my place that night, I agreed even though I just really wanted to be alone tonight. I could feel his eyes burning into me on the car ride back, clenching my jaw I tried to ignore it, I just wanted a shower and wash this whole week off of me. I didn’t wait for Spence as I walked up to my door and let myself in, leaving the door open behind me; heading straight through to the kitchen and threw my go bag by the washing machine and braced my hands on the kitchen side. A drink, that’s what I needed. Opening the cupboard that held my alcohol I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and a glass, normally I would get ice but in this instance I just pour a knuckles worth straight into the glass and throw it back. The liquid burns as it goes down but I don’t really care, I hear the door close and footsteps coming towards me as I swallow my second glass._

_“Do you think that’s a good idea YN?” Spencer asked tenderly as if I was going to break, I scoffed and poured another one._

_“Well it won’t hurt will it?” And Spencer being Spencer just couldn’t help himself._

_“Actually alcohol is a causal factor in more than 60 medical conditions, including: mouth, throat, stomach, liver and breast cancers; high blood pressure, cirrhosis of the liver; and depression-“_

_“Spencer read the room right now.” I snap at him, cutting him off of his rant as I take the shot I was holding in my hand. I slammed the glass on the side and ran my hands through my hair, looking over to where he stood. He had almost a shocked look on his face that I had cut him off, I never do that, it was one of the reasons he had perused me in the first place. I always asked him to finish what he was saying when one of the team stopped him or interrupted him, I always listened to him and actively wanted to know what was going on in that big brain of his. But today I couldn’t do that for him, I could barely do that for myself, he sighed and came to stand behind me._

_“You couldn’t have known YN.” Spencer wraps his arms around my middle and the thought of the Zoe’s parents came to mind, how when I had given them news on what had happened the only thing stopping her mother from falling to the ground in grief was her father’s hold around her waist. Suddenly his arms felt like being locked in a cage and I couldn’t breathe, I pulled from his grip and turned on him._

_“Of course I could have, you guys noticed before me but no I was the last one to realise and that cost a 15 year old girl her life.” I could feel myself getting worked up so I walked from the room towards the bathroom, Spencer following closely behind me._

_“YN…” He called after me and I knew I had to deescalate to situation before I snapped at him. I waved a hand behind me signalling for him to go to the other room._

_“I’m fine Spence, it’s just been a bad day. I’m going to shower.” I said through clenched teeth as he continued behind me, why he can’t just leave it alone is beyond me._

_“If it helps only 16% of killers are female and only 1 in 1000 of them are violent offenders, so it was only normal of you to automatically assume it was the uncle-“ I skidded to a stop and whirled on Spencer, almost bumping into him as he was following me so closely and exploded._

_“GOD SPENCER! Stop it, stop with the statistics, stop with the fucking numbers and facts! For once in your life can you just stop being a robot and just be my fucking boyfriend! I don’t want to hear about it, I just want a goddamn shower!” As soon as the words left my mouth I felt all the anger drop my body as I realised what I had just said. I closed my eyes and took a breath. When I opened them Spencer looked like I might as well have punched him in the gut, guilt flooded my veins at the look on his perfect face. I took a step towards him and he retreated a step, oh god what have I done?_

_“Spence, I- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that, it’s just this case- and I just- I’m so sorry!” The words fell out of my mouth so quickly it reminded me of all the times he tried to get his words out before one of the team stopped him. He remained silent, just looking at me with hurt in his eyes and I could feel tears slowing brimming in my own. I reach out once more and he doesn’t move this time, so I wrap myself around him but he doesn’t reciprocate, he just stands there._

_“Spence, please? Say something? I’m so sorry, please?” I choke out in an almost sob, it was then he hesitantly wrapped his arms around me._

_“It’s okay, it’s okay please don’t cry.” His voice was shaky and his body was stiff as he stroked my back and I sniffled into his chest._

_“It’s not Spencer, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and I didn’t mean it you know that right? You are perfect just as you are and I love you so much. I just- I’m just really shit…”_

_“You’re not shit YN.” He shifts me out of his hold and puts his hands on either side of my face wiping the tears off of my cheeks._

_“Go have your shower okay? I’ll be in the study.” When he lets go of me I grab his hand and tug him towards the bathroom._

_“Join me?” Spencer starts to shake his head but I give his hand another tug._

_“Please Spence?” Reluctantly he starts to move with me towards the shower. That night I apologised over and over and over again; with my words, with my body, with every way I could to make this beautiful man know how much I loved him._

_That stupid fight, that stupid case was the beginning of the end for me and Spencer, it had changed something between us. He never really looked at me the same after that, there was always some hesitancy in his eyes, as if he was waiting for something. At work Spencer had pretended everything was okay but he disregarded me almost every time I asked him to continue with whatever had been cut off, he would let me sit down first on the jet and then purposefully sit down somewhere else. Everyone could tell something had happened between us, that we had a fight or at least a disagreement of sort._

_At home was much worse, he often declined to come over instead going back to his own home alone. He would ‘accidently’ miss my calls for hours before getting back to me, he was much less intimate with me when we did actually spend time together. It was breaking my heart, at first I wanted to just push past it thinking it would be okay after a few days, but when a few days turned into a few weeks I knew we had to address what was happening._

_“YN what are you doing here?” Spencer said surprised as he opened his door, I had asked if he wanted to come over tonight and I would make dinner but once again he had turned me down. I sat at home stewing over everything that had happened and decided to just sort this all out tonight once and for all._

_“Spence we need to talk can I come in?” I played with the hem of my t-shirt, confidence fading now I was actually faced with my decisions._

_“Uh, sure?” Spencer said, looking confused as he opened the door to let me in. As I move into his apartment I get an uneasy feeling settle over me, his place had always been a safe space for me, nearly a second home but now it just felt like unknown territory. I sat on his sofa, waiting for him to join me but he just stated standing, right. Okay._

_“Spence what’s going on with us right now?” Even to me my voice is quite, nervous, my eyes trained on the floor._

_“What do you mean?” He replied, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of me, I look up at him and see guilt flash through his eyes before I look back down._

_“Look ever since that case, that fight, something has happened to us and I think we really need to talk about it.”_

_I hate this. I hate this. I hate this._

_“YN everything is fine okay?” His voice gentle as he places his hands over mine to stop me fiddling with my shirt, it had always annoyed him when I did that. I wish I could just accept his answer and let it go but I can’t, we need to fix this._

_“No Spence you’re not brushing this off, he haven’t been okay and we need to fix this.” I try and make my voice more forceful, trying to make him aware this wasn’t going to go away. He quickly removed his hands from my own, running them across his face exasperatedly._

_“YN we are fine.” Spencer’s voice is colder now which puts my back up a bit but I did not want this to turn into a fight, that’s the last thing I want. Keeping my voice level I try to get my point across._

_“Really Spence? So you don’t keep brushing me off at work? You don’t keep telling me you’re tired that why you don’t want to come over? Is that why every time I try to initiate sex you basically push me off?” Those brown eyes flash as soon as I mention the lack of sex we have been having._

_“I don’t push you off YN? Do you think I’m cheating on you? Is this what this is about?” What? Where had this even come from? Was he? No, no he wouldn’t do that to me. This was so off topic, I needed to steer us back in the right direction._

_“No Spence of course not! I’m just saying that it wasn’t an issue before that night…” God why is this so hard? We could always talk about anything, why is it so difficult to talk about us? Spencer lets out a big sigh._

_“I don’t know what you want me to say YN.” He sounds so tired, either of this conversation or us. For someone who always has something to add to the conversation he has little to say about us these days. Am I not worth it anymore? Why won’t he help me with this?_

_“What I want to you to say is how you are feeling Spencer, I can’t help fix this if I don’t know how you are feeling!” Anger is getting the better of me again as my voice raises slightly in volume but I never expected what was coming next._

_“Maybe I don’t want you to fix this!” The world plunges into silence at his words, he didn’t- oh god, oh god, oh god._

_“You don’t want to fix this?” The question falls from my lips after what feels like an eternity. In the whole time I have known Spencer Reid I have never known him to look this lost at what to say._

_“Look YN, I think maybe we should take some time okay?”_

_“Some time?”_

_“Are you going to just keep repeating what I am saying?” He snaps and I recoil at his tone. The look he gives me shows the guilt he has at his word, but before he can voice them I ask the only question that has been rattling through my mind._

_“Okay, so by ‘some time’ do you mean a break or a break up Spencer?” His clear lack of a response was enough for me to know this was it. I stand up and start pacing round the room. This can’t be happening, this wasn’t supposed to happen to us. Spencer was it for me, he was my person, he was my soulmate…_

_But I wasn’t his._

_“Oh god.” The words slip from my mouth before I can stop them, the tears threatening to spill from my eyes._

_“YN-”_

_“Are you sure Spencer? You want to break up?” I had to try, I had to know this was exactly what he wanted, because even though my heart was breaking, if it was what Spencer wanted I would have to find a way to respect that._

_“It’s for the best.” A hollow ringing filled my ears and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I had to get out of here, I needed to get out of here. So with tears streaming I walked to the door, pausing before I took a step out of Spencer’s apartment and out of his life._

_“I love you.” When he doesn’t even look up at me I turn and shut the door behind me._

“Sorry guys I would love to come but I can’t, I’m busy tonight.” Both of them looked at me expectantly, when they realised I wasn’t going to elaborate on my plans they took that as a ‘let’s try and figure out what YN is doing’ team bonding session.

“Oh you’re busy huh? Are you getting a little sugar tonight?” Derek asks, waggling his eyebrows at me, making Emily laugh.

“No Derek I am painfully not getting any sugar tonight.” I deadpanned back causing both of them to burst into laughter at my pitiful sex life. Hearing the laughter JJ decides to investigate what was happening over here.

“Children, children, what’s with all the noise?” JJ greats the group, taking a perch on the edge of my desk.

“Well little mama here apparently can’t make drinks tonight cause she’s ‘busy.’” Derek air-quotes the word busy and I roll my eyes at him, starting to gather up my files to give to Hotch. JJ gives me a small smile that if I didn’t know any better I would say was forced, Emily pulls me out of my thoughts before I can look further into it.

“Oh my god is the YN YMN YLN actually going on a date for the first time since I’ve known her?!” Emily’s voice went up in pitch as she almost shouts her question, I shushed her quickly hoping she doesn’t attract any more attention about my non-existent date.

“Emily will you lower your voice, I do not have a date tonight, just leave it alone okay?” My phone rings, breaking the tension of me snapping at them and I hastily answer it.

“Sweets what floor are you on? It’s pissing it down outside so I’m coming up.” Rory’s voice fills my ears and my back shoots up straighter, my eyes looking frantically down to the clock that sits on my desk. Shit I’m already 5 minutes late for meeting him.

“No, no I’m coming down now, do not come up.” If he comes up he might let it slip about tonight and I can’t have that! I wedge my phone between my ear and shoulder as I start throwing things into bag, avoiding the curious looks my friends are giving me.

“YN just tell me what floor you are on and I’ll come up and wait so you don’t have to rush, plus I wanna see him…” This is exactly what I had hoped to avoid.

“No I swear to god.” I groan into the phone.

“Excuse me miss, could you please tell me what floor the BAU is on? Oh 8th? Perfect thank you.” I can hear Rory asking the woman at the desk and now I am starting to panic, trying to calculate if I can hand in my files and get to the elevator before Rory can take a step out.

“See you in a minute sweets!” Rory chirps cheerfully down the phone.

“No Rory don’t!” But he had already hung up on me, I scrambled to put on my coat and bag, ignoring my teammates questioning me on who the mysterious Rory was loudly enough that I know everyone in the bullpen had heard. I didn’t have time to explain, grabbing my files I rush up to Hotch’s office.

Do not look at Spencer.

_Do not look at Spencer._

Knocking at Hotch’s door he calls me in and I nearly launch the files he needed at him, when he raised an eyebrow in question at me.

“I’ll explain tomorrow, nothing extreme or bad I just gotta go!” I quickly explain and he just laughs and shakes his head at me before going back to his own paperwork. As I leave his office I hear the ding of the elevator and curse under my breath. Rory steps out and looks around for me, when he can’t find me he move towards the nearest person which happens to be-

OH FUCK.

I almost stumble down the steps as Rory walks up to Spencer. Seeing the two men together is almost like looking at opposite sides of the spectrum. Rory being slightly taller than Spencer with muscles covered in tattoos, a full head of blonde hair and a consistent smile on his face. I rush to intercept the two men but I don’t quite make it in time as I hear Rory open is goddamn mouth.

“Excuse me bud, do you know where sweets is?” Spencer looks Rory up and down, quickly assessing him before politely responding asking who he is talking about, of course Spencer doesn’t know that Rory calls me sweets, we had broken up before I got the beloved nickname bestowed upon me. Rory looks over Spencer’s shoulder at me and I must look as panicked as I feel because I could physically see the realisation of who he was talking to clang through his head. A smirk plays on his lips as he moves past Spencer.

“Don’t worry I found her, thanks.” Spencer turns looking in the direction Rory had started to walk to and his eyes land on me. I have always said that anyone can tell what Spencer is feeling by just looking into his eyes, it’s one of the things that always disarmed him about me; that I could tell how he was feeling. Right now surprise flickered through those beautiful, whiskey eyes as he looked from me to Rory and back to me, I could see the calculations and theories racing through that big brain of his. When I finally got to Rory he slings an arm around my shoulders and asks me if I am ready to head out, nodding at him I step out of his hold on me and push him towards the elevator, completely ignoring the stares and giggles of everyone in the bullpen. Thankfully the doors open almost immediately, once we are in I quickly push the button that will take us down to the ground floor. I foolishly look up and lock eyes with Spencer once more and the sadness in his eyes almost make me take a step back as if I had been dealt a physical blow. As soon it was there it was quickly replaced with a hard look that I couldn’t really place, having never seen it on Spencer’s face before. Thankfully the doors shut before I can look further into it or fling myself out of the elevator and try to do whatever I can to make sure it is never on there again.

As soon as the doors close Rory is bombarding me with questions.

“Was that him? The one I was talking to? Is that why he looked like he wanted to punch me?” I just leant against the side of the elevator trying to catch my breath, as soon as I had done that I went on the offensive.

“Sweets ow, ow stop hitting me!” Rory cries as I start to punch him repeatedly.

“I swear to god Rory I don’t not see what my sister see’s in you! Do you know what you have just done?! I am never going to hear the end of this now!” I finally stop hitting him when the doors open up to the ground floor and we start to walk out, he laughs at me and I shove at him again but this time I laugh with him.

“You didn’t tell them you are performing tonight did you?” Rory asks as we exit the building, him draping an arm over my shoulder once more. Rory had just opened a new bar called ‘Better Days’ last month and my sister had told him that I played piano, he had immediately booked me for a night giving me full reign about what I performed. I had tried to get out of it but that hadn’t worked so here we are.

“No I didn’t, this is personal and they don’t need to know okay? If it goes well then maybe I will tell them.” I reasoned and I again shove him off me as we get to his car, laughing again he walks round to the driver’s side. As we settle in to the drive we talk about him and Tessa, about she had ambushed him with dinner with our parents for the first time last weekend, when we eventually got to the bar my nerves were through the roof. We parked up but Rory made no move to exit the car, when I looked at him he had a weird look on his face.

“Did you not tell your team because of him?” He questioned and I didn’t really have an answer for him, when I didn’t reply he asked again.

“I have seen your set YN, it’s because it’s about him isn’t it? This is a way to get it all out right?” Playing with the hem on my jumper I nodded, his hand comes out and ruffles my hair affectionately.

“I told you I probably shouldn’t do this, I’ll drive all your customers away…” I try and joke to lighten the mood opening the car door effectively ending the conversation. Rory laughs as he gets out the car, walking round to meet me to walk in.

“Well from what I’ve heard from Tessa, you’re voice is going to convince them to stay ay?” I looked over at Rory and smiled, Tessa has never really been the best at choosing men but this time, Tessa had chosen right this time.

The rest of the evening went pretty quick, between mic check and getting changed into my purple cocktail dress, it was nearly time for me to go on. Tessa was running late and would be turning up after I had already started performing so I sat alone at the bar staring at the piano in the middle of the stage, it staring back at me dauntingly. The bar had actually filled out quite a bit whilst I had a drink to settle my nerves, which obviously didn’t help them. What if I actually did clear out all his customers? What if I actually got booed off stage? What if this didn’t help me get over Spencer like I hoped it would? Rory took to the stage and introduced me to the crowd who politely clapped as I made my way up and took a seat at the piano, I wasn’t really one for words so I just took a deep breath and started to play.

The first half of my set went really well and I hadn’t scared off any customers! I call that a result in my books, I leave the stage and walked straight into my sisters arms!

“YN I am so proud of you!” She squealed and she hugged me tighter, I laughed as she let go and we made our way to the bar where Rory had my favourite drink was waiting for me.

“Damn sweets, I didn’t actually realise you could sing that good, I might have to book you once a month.” Rory laughed out and handed me my drink, which I took a big swig off. The three of us chatted for a while before Tessa excused herself to go to the bathroom, leaving me and Rory chatting about his new ideas for potential holding a ladies night in the future when Rory stiffened in his seat. Before I could ask what was wrong a voice from behind me spoke up.

“Well, well, well little mama, fancy seeing you here.” Derek drawled out in amusement and I jumped out of my seat, turning only to come face to face with my entire team. Everyone had varying smug looks on their face apart from JJ, who was looking at Spence worriedly and Spencer who looked furious. This cannot be happening to me oh my god.

“Are you going to introduce us to your date this time YLN?” Emily asked eyeing up Rory as if she wanted to eat him up, but before I could answer Tessa approached us with a confused look on her face. The team had all met Tessa before but obviously didn’t think she would be here in this setting.

“YN I thought you said the team couldn’t make it tonight?” Tessa asked confused as she wrapped an arm around Rory who kissed her cheek affectionately. The looks that went across everyone face was almost enough to make me throw up. My mind went back to what Derek had said earlier, a new bar downtown, god how could I have been so stupid not to have asked the bars name.

“What couldn’t we come to YN? Considering we did even know you’d be here?” Penelope asked, the pinnacle of innocence, just wanting to know what she was missing out on. Everyone but Rory looked at me expectantly so I took a deep breath.

“Everyone this is Rory, Tessa’s boyfriend and the owner of the bar.” I turned to face Tessa.

“I didn’t invite them Tessa for obvious reasons…” My voice trailed off and Tessa scanned the group and her eyes landed on Spencer. A little ‘oh shit’ left her mouth as it clicked in her head on why this would be a major problem for me. Surprisingly it was Hotch that broke the tension finally.

“What did we not get invited to?” I sighed and looked at Rory and Tessa for some kind of help but was met with blank faces. Rory just looked up at the stage and then down at his watch, it was time for me to go back on. Fuck it.

“Well it looks like you are about to find out I guess, Rory can you please put all their drinks on my tab?” I mumble as I start to walk back up to the stage and take a seat back at the piano, as I sit I can hear Penelope’s screeches of excitement when she figured out what I was doing. I sat for a moment trying to figure out if I should change the final 5 songs that I had left to play, my eyes glancing over to Spencer who had taken a few steps away from the group to watch me. Deciding that I will not be changing my set I steel myself and place my fingers on the key.

I start playing the opening chords of Control by Zoe Wees, hearing the whoops and cheers of the team as they realise I was the performer for the bar tonight. Once I come to the end of the song, I move straight on to the next with no break between, I do this until I finish the fourth song. Once I stop playing the crowd applauds me and I finally look up from the keys my eyes somehow find Spencer’s, he is now standing with the group and it occurs to me that he has never really heard me sing before, he’s staring at me wide eyed and a distraught look upon his face and I realise as I look at him that I would never be over this man. That I would never find another like him and that I probably would love him for the rest of my life, so this was my last chance to maybe show him how I feel. Tonight I would show the world how much I Loved Spencer Reid.

When the crowd quieted down I took a deep breath and looked at directly at Spencer and spoke.

“Thank you all so much for tonight, I only have one song left and it is one that’s very dear to me. This is Love is Gone.”

I can see the team all looking between me and Spencer now but I don’t care, I don’t care if the whole world knows as I start to play. This is it, as I start to sing I can hear my voice isn’t as steady as the rest of the songs, I can hear the emotion in my voice. If this doesn’t work than it really is over, what am I going to do then?

**_Don't go tonight  
Stay here one more time  
Remind me what it's like, oh  
And let's fall in love one more time  
I need you now by my side  
It tears me up when you turn me down  
I'm begging please, just stick around_ **

**_I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me  
I know that your love is gone  
I can't breathe, I'm so weak, I know this isn't easy  
Don’t tell me that your love is gone  
That your love is gone_ **

As I finish playing I am almost holding my breath and trying to control my tears trying to make an appearance, the crowd doesn’t clap this time and when I look up Spencer has moved to the middle of the room and is just staring at me. So I stand up and walk off the stage and approach him, still not able to place the look on his face. Standing in front of him he opens his mouth and closes it, his head slightly shaking.

“I…” He starts but stops again.

Oh.

I quickly look at the floor and brush the stray tear that has managed to escape, I quickly brush past him to see a mixture of confusion and pity upon all my colleagues’ faces and my face burns in embarrassment. I walk over to Tessa and grab my bag, she looks at me in question and I shake my head at her before turning to Hotch.

“You will have my resignation from the team on your desk tomorrow morning.” I say smoothly, swallowing down everything I am feeling.

“YN that won’t be ness-” Hotch starts but I interrupt him.

“Thank you for the opportunity, it has been an honour working for the BAU.” My voice wavers at the end and I don’t wait for his response as I walk away. I can hear the team calling after me but I just keep walking until I get out of the bar, I turn down the alley next to it and cover my head with my hands and start to cry. A minute later I hear the bar doors open and Derek’s voice calling out for Spencer and even though I can’t see either of them I try and make myself as small as I possibly can so neither of the men would see me moved in view of the alley.

“Reid what just happened in there?” Derek asked and for a moment I don’t think Spencer is going to answer.

“YN and I were together for a year until about 4 months ago.” Spencer finally admitted and my heart clenched, I should not be listening to this.

“Yeah we know that pretty boy.” I looked up in the direction of their voices in surprise, we had been so careful? How did they know?

“You knew? Let me guess the whole team knows?” Spencer asks incredulously, mirroring my confusion.

“Of course we did, you two aint slick you know. We just thought you’d tell us when you were ready, what happened?” I hold in a sob, I’m going to have to hear his version of out goddamn break up, like my night hadn’t been bad enough.

“YN was having a bad day and I kept pushing at her when I should have left her alone and she snapped at me. I should have known that she hadn’t meant what she said but I couldn’t get past it. I know she deserved so much better than me and so I pulled away from her.” Spencer sounded on the verge of tears and there was nothing I could do about it, I couldn’t make it better, I couldn’t fix us. I failed him.

“And what? She broke up with you?” Morgan’s voice was accusatory but Spencer quickly shut him down.

“No Morgan, she came round practically begging me to help her fix it, fix us and I just- I just…” He trailed off, not knowing how to voice his thoughts. Morgan being ever astute, cottoned on to it and said it for him.

“You broke up with her.” Almost a whimper came out of Spencer’s mouth and I curled as far into myself as humanly possible. I did this, I did this, I did this. I took this brave, strong, gentle man and I pushed him to this.

“I just blurted out that I wanted to break up and then she was crying and leaving and Morgan I just let her leave! How could I just let her leave like that?!” I almost put my hands over my ears to stop hearing the pain in his voice.

“Reid-” Derek sounded like he was trying to calm an unsub and I can hear Spencer pacing outside the club.

“It’s like I feel like I can’t breathe without her Morgan and I just let her leave. Every time I look at her I just see that devastated look on her face so I just stopped looking at her. Ignoring her just seemed better than feeling this pain constantly.” My heart simultaneously burst and contacted, he still wanted me but I also still caused him pain and I didn’t know what to do with these facts.

“Well I don’t know about you pretty boy but it seems like she still loves you from what I saw in there, so what happened just then?”

“I don’t know I froze okay? I just froze and let her leave again and now she’s gone.” Spencer shouted, as if there were no other ways to get out his frustrations. 

“It’s simple Reid, do you want to be with her or not?” Trust Morgan to be able to simplify it down so easy that even Spencer can’t talk his way out of this? Though for the moments of quite is seemed like he very much tried too.

“Of course I want her, I can’t imagine a day where I wouldn’t want her Morgan. She’s perfect, she is everything I ever dreamed of and more and I screwed it all up and somehow I got given a chance to fix it tonight and I just-.” I have never heard Spence this worked up this way, every part of me longing to make him feel better but also not wanting to expose myself.

“Kid…” Morgan started but again Spencer cut him off once more, his voice more tired than before.

“Can you just give me a minute please?” I hear Derek sigh and the scuff of boots walking away, my mind is racing on what I should do next. Do I make myself known and let him know I had heard everything? Do I just stay down here and wait for him to leave and pretend I heard nothing?

Suddenly the choice is taken away from me as my phone starts ringing, I curse under my breath and grab it when I notice who is trying to call me. I look up to see Spencer looking down the Alley at me with his phone pressed to his ear, his hair sticking up in all directions as if he had been running his fingers through it.

Slowly he lowers the phone and ends the call and we just stand there looking at each other. I try and will my feet to move but it’s almost like they have planted themselves to the ground, but then Spencer is walking towards me and I forget how to breathe. Once he is stood in front of me I take a deep breath, taking him in. Spencer raises his hands and wipes the tears from my cheeks before resting them there, I can’t tear my eyes from his and in them shone guilt and forgiveness and… Love. A small smile tugs at my lips and Spencer takes that as permission as he places his lips over mine.

The kiss felt like coming home after being lost, like the past four months had never happened, Spencer poured all his feelings into this kiss and it almost knocked me on my ass. When he broke away he didn’t stray far, resting his forehead against my own.

“It hasn’t gone.” Spencer murmurs against my lips and I lean back to look at him.

“What?” The word comes out breathy as my brain tried to catch up with everything that’s happened in the last 5 minutes.

“My love, it hasn’t gone. It will never go. Not for you.”


End file.
